the only time he can speak his feelings
by jantoloverxx
Summary: Jack Harkness never really sleeps much, so uses that time to speak his true feelings about the man he loves... but is he really the only one awake?
1. Chapter 1

_**The only time he speaks his feelings... **_

**Summary****: Jack Harkness never really sleeps much, so uses that time to speak his true feelings about the man he loves... but is he really the only one awake?**

**AN: second story of mine now, just keep thinking about jantoness, but you can't blame me you know you do too. So I hope you enjoy this and please review! **

Jack slowly turned his head towards the clock on his desk, sighing happily when it said 7:00pm. Getting up from his untouched work, he walked to the door of his office looking out at the rest of his team.

Owen was pretending to tidy away his medical items neatly although the sound of banging could have suggested otherwise.

Gwen was typing carelessly, with a look of concentration printed on her face, but the quick movement of jack's body showed an msn screen bleeping silently.

However Tosh was still working hard like always which made Jack happy about recruiting her, which is more then he could say about the other two and, Lastly Ianto was still busy in the tourist office. A smile appeared on Jacks lips when the young Welshman came to the front of his mind. He knew he would never admit it, but he was absolutely head over heels in love with Mr Jones.

Suddenly the man himself came through the cog doors grinning cheerfully at his lover, with the same excitement as the other man. Ianto pointed at his watch and rolled his eyes bemusedly. This always happened at the end of the day. Jack was supposed to send everyone home but he always waited till Ianto came before he could proceed in his task. As if he needed Ianto's permission or something...

"Right everyone! You can all go home now thank you, I will transfer the rift alarm to my wrist strap in case there is any spikes later on" Jack shouted clearly as he stepped out of his office. Owen, Tosh, and Gwen obviously didn't need telling twice, rushing around to collect all their items in quick succession, before leaving and shouting goodbye to Jack and Ianto.

Alone at last, always the thing they both look forward to when they arrive in the morning. For a few minutes nothing was said, but a nervous atmosphere swept around them both, even the captain was secretly blushing smiling softly at the man in front of him. Eventually Jack finally shook off this embarrassing reaction and walked steadily to his lover opening his mouth to speak in a low and sexy voice.

"So... you want to go to your flat, and have an early night?" he asked winking as he finished the sentence, reaching Ianto and touching his arm barely. Ianto laughed at Jack's rubbish flirting but his breath caught when Jack moved closer till he could feel his breath on his skin.

"Sure..." Jack laughed mischievously.

"Good! Let's go then" Jack finished, grabbing Ianto's hand tightly and running out of the hub with Ianto in tow.

**AN: hope you like it so far, I will only do like 2 or 3 chapters altogether, But please read and review, I do love feedback, makes me write more **


	2. Chapter 2

_**The Only Time he speaks his feelings…**_

_**Part 2 **_

It didn't them long to reach their destination, if Jack's driving was anything to go by. The drive home was silent except for the heavy breathing, and impatient drumming from Ianto. Jack smiled briefly when he realised how agitated his lover was becoming.

Stopping in the only car space left, they both sighed happily, grinning at each other before frantically pulling their seat belts from their sockets. They ran out of the car and to their front door, giggling nervously. Things had definitely changed between them, you could see how they truly felt for one another, however they were both genuinely blind, and would never speak these emotions.

Ianto struggled to get the key in the door as Jack kissed his neck, whispering seductive words in his ear.

"Jack… please!" Jack laughed.

"Sorry" he said stepping away to Ianto's dismay. He groaned causing Jack to smile and move back to his previous position.

"How about I let you open the door then grab you and not let go?" he replied.

"Yes please..." Ianto whispered.

He finally opened the door, and Jack kept to his words, grabbing him instantly, and taking him to the bedroom.

Jack and Ianto may never be able to say how they felt for one another, but they showed it physically, once they had gotten to the bedroom they had spent hours making love, saying I love you in every kiss, and touch.

It was 12 o'clock when Ianto fell asleep, completely content in Jack's arms. Although Jack just chose these moments to lie and watch his lover sleep. He pulled his arms tighter around Ianto's waist, moving him closer so that Ianto's back was against his front. Jack always thought that Ianto looked so young when he slept, so innocent. You would wish that someone that young would be out having fun and falling in love with someone they could grow old with… not spending 24/7 catching aliens for the whole of humanity, when everybody knew you could die any minute, losing the chance to do so many things…

Most of the time Jack felt safe, happy with everything, but deep down he felt terrified. He was broken, he knew he would lose this man of his sooner rather then later, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. There had been numerous times when he had asked Ianto if this was really what he wanted, but the only thing he got in reply was "I want this."

A lot of the time Jack felt incredibly selfish; there actually was something he could do. He could forcefully send him away; sack him so he could have a lovely life, without danger and sadness. But did he really want that? Looking down at the man he loved, he knew he couldn't let him go… he loved him.

**AN: thank u for all the reviews **** I'm so happy to see that people have taken the time to read my stories x hope you enjoyed this chapter, will update soon. **


	3. Chapter 3

**The only time he speaks his feelings**

**Part 3 **

"This is getting quite irritating now... Talking to myself... although to me it feels as if it's the only way I can feel better, like it helps to let everything out. However a part of me wishes you were awake, hearing these words I can so easily speak out every night. I love these moments watching you sleep, you look so peaceful, and I always know for a fact that you're happy and safe when you're here in my arms.

I remember the time that I went into a coma because I was so stupid, picking up that phone when we all knew what was going to happen. I was scared you know... scared that I was never going to get out and you were going to be left alone, scared that I would never see your face again. But you kept me going by speaking to me; you have no idea how much you reassure me, just by talking to me…"

Jack smiled when he replayed Ianto's speech in his mind, and stopped talking for a moment, Hearing the words repeating over and over. He laughed when he remembered Ianto's reluctance to speak.

"I wanted to laugh when you said I knew that you weren't very talkative... yep, very true... unlike sometimes when it's just you and me. It makes me feel warm inside to know you can open up to me. I will always be here, you know... I won't leave you again, I promise..." Jack broke off abruptly, getting angry when he felt the lump in his throat; he needed to say these things!

"… ahem… If I do leave, please believe me when I say I will always come back for you. I will always be there to protect you. I just may never be able to tell you how I feel because… I know I won't be able to survive when I lose you…"

After a few moments he pushed the urge to cry away, he always felt like this… why couldn't he be normal like everyone else?, be allowed to fall in love and not wake up every day worried that the next morning he would be alone again. Swallowing quietly he continued.

"When you told me what you actually thought, that you assumed I saw you as nothing... You broke my heart. I think that affected me more than a lot of things. I don't think I've felt this way about anyone, and yet you'll never know." He swallowed thickly, taking a deep breath before saying the words he found so hard to say to this young incredible man.

"I love you Ianto, you're my soul mate, my friend, my best employee but most of all you're my lover, not just a blip in time… My lover"

Silence fell about the room again, all that was heard was slow breathing, but it was broken soon after when Jack finally lost it, and cried, using all his strength to keep quiet so he didn't wake up his lover. Eventually he regained control and wiped away the evidence of sorrow. Cuddling up closer to Ianto and shutting his eyes, praying that he could have so many more years with this Welshman of his.

A few minutes later Jack was sound asleep, the look on his face showed no sadness although his heart carried plenty.

However the room was completely quiet, as the sound of crying could be heard again... But it wasn't Jacks anymore.

Ianto moved to turn his body around looking at Jack's peaceful form, Tears slowly streaming down his shocked face. Had he just dreamed all of this? Did Jack just say all those things?

He watched Jacks face for a while, not finding the courage to say anything yet in case this man was awake. He watched Jack intently listening out for his breathing, giving him the evidence he needed.

"I don't know what to say… you love me? Captain Jack Harkness loves me… Ianto Jones. I think I understand now, why you don't say anything, why you treat me like everyone else. But I do believe you, and I will stand by you always, because… I... love you to" he said his voice breaking every so often, as he took in Jack's speech.

"I just wish you would tell me these things to my face.."

A**N: Hope you like, I'm not sure whether I should continue but it was originally just going to be this... so up you to x**


	4. Chapter 4

**The only time he speaks his feelings**

**Part 4 **

**Jack's POV**

I was awakened by a loud blazing sound beside me, soon realizing it was our alarm clock signalling 7:30am. I groaned weakly. _I am fine when I get to the hub… but I hate this part, it's such a warm bed, with a gorgeous man… I just can't find the strength to move._

I slammed my hand down on the button, silencing it instantly, sighing softly when a quiet atmosphere came around the room again. _Ah... Peace._

Surprisingly Ianto hadn't made much movement since the alarm went off; I found this quite odd since he usually bounced out of bed and into the shower minutes after the seven o'clock announcement.

I turned over onto my back slowly, looking up at the ceiling, Opening my mouth ready to speak to Ianto, when he finally moved out of bed, and towards the bathroom slamming the door shut in the process.

I blinked startled. _What on earth was that about? Have I done something wrong? I don't remember anything. Hmm... Maybe I should give him a day off. Work has been hectic this last month and he does deserve a break. Maybe that's what it is…_

I went back over the night before, smiling when I remembered how perfect it had been. _I don't even think we had anything to eat, but that doesn't matter. _Then I replayed the moment when he'd fallen asleep in my arms, I had spoken about my feelings towards him again... nothing unusual.

I was snapped out of my thoughts when the bathroom door opened and Ianto bounded out in a dark black suit, immaculately dressed as always. It never ceased to amaze me how quick Ianto was at getting ready even though it was so early in the morning. I smiled briefly at him, although I was still slightly worried that I had done something wrong. However he just smiled back, nodding politely. _Odd…_

**x Jack x Ianto x **

Eventually I got out of bed, but not with the same energy as my lover. I took my time getting dress and washed, unlike Ianto but the speed never had an effect on Ianto's appearance. _I bet he would look amazing if he only had five minutes to get ready… _

It was 8:30 when we finally got out of the house, and towards Ianto's car. He went to sit in the passenger seat, not even asking if he could drive this time, like he always does. I'm sure there was definitely something wrong, but whenever I went to ask him he just looked at me with that gorgeous smile, making me forget my dreading thoughts.

The drive to the hub was silent as well; we listened to the relaxing radio quietly. I wanted to start a conversation but I had this scary thought that he would ignore me or something. I bet I was just being silly because last night was purely wonderful. It must just be that he wanted a quiet morning.

As we parked at the hub he dashed out of the car, straight towards the fake tourist office doors, pressing the button to let himself into the secret passageway. He was too fast for me to catch up with since I hadn't even got the keys out of the ignition yet. _Hmm... What is wrong with him? _I was at a loss to the way he was acting this morning, all his movements were completely different to the way he looked when his eyes met mine.

I'm sure it's nothing; maybe it's because Owen messed up the archives a few weeks back, and it's taken him this long to complete only half of it.

**x Jack x Ianto x **

The rest of the morning was the same as usual, the rest of the team arrived soon after smiling happily at me, waiting for their morning coffee when Ianto was ready. I had completely forgotten about Ianto's behaviour when I had started on the paperwork. But the scared feeling reappeared when Ianto came up to make everyone coffee. He seemed down, and confused, only briefly coming to my office to hand me my coffee, not to give me a kiss or a lovely hello.

That's when I decided I needed to talk to him, whether or not he wanted to. He was my lover and I needed to know that he was alright.

**AN: thank you for all of the reviews; they've been lovely **** I've decided what I'm going to do, thank u for the ideas; I have taken them on board. It will be a bit different but I can assure you will all love Ianto and Jack so it wouldn't be** **a horrible ending**.


	5. Chapter 5

**The only time he can speak his feelings**

**Part 5 **

**Ianto's POV**

Since me and Jack woke up this morning, I couldn't stop thinking about last night, and what he said. One of things I mainly remember is that he said he would never be able to tell me he loves me to my face…

These words keep swirling in my mind making me feel worse than ever, I love this man incredibly. _I don't think there's anything I wouldn't do for him..._ I want us to have a proper relationship, knowing that someday we would take the next step and say our vows towards each other. But now I know that's not going to happen.

I couldn't get out of bed with the usual enthusiasm, the only reason why I eventually did, is because I knew Jack would start asking questions, and I couldn't deal with that. As soon as I got in the bathroom I cringed at the slamming of the door. _Great, he was definitely going to think something was wrong now..._ I rushed in my tasks wanting to go back out and stop his wondering thoughts.

As I stepped back into the bedroom I saw him smile at me, though I could easily see he found my previous actions quite odd. I smiled back instantly, sighing with relief when his expression changed to his famous Harkness grin.

Finally we were walking towards my car but I couldn't be bothered to ask if I could drive this morning as I knew what answer I would get in response. But I dreaded the fact that he might found this as odd like everything else this morning.

To my relief he again didn't question it, and our journey was nice and peaceful. I enjoyed the radio more than ever, because for the short amount of time my thoughts weren't battling with me.

As we arrived I remembered about the archives, so I dashed into the hub wanting to get on with it, keeping myself busy would help my other problem too. At the time I didn't think that this would cause a stir however, so I suddenly hated my everyday coffee run. As I carried the cups to everyone I had this sickening feeling that as soon as I reached Jack's office, he would want to know what was wrong.

For the first time in ages, I walk in and out in seconds without a word. Unfortunately this didn't help at all for me, _yes it stopped Jack from speaking to me…_ but it brought back memories of how I behaved when Lisa was here. It was an everyday routine. Rushing around completing everything quickly so I didn't have to face anyone and lie.

Also I felt even more confused than ever. _When you found out your boyfriend loves you, aren't you supposed to be happy about it?_ No it wasn't like that with me, it was a shock at first, but it seems the other things he said were more important… _me and Jack aren't ever going to be a normal couple are we? There's no chance we'll be married someday, because Jack assumes that he will lose me tomorrow or soon. _

All of this is because of Torchwood, I used to love being a part of this dangerous and adventurous job, even if all I did was paperwork and coffee runs... _I was there at least. _But now it's my worst enemy, I feel imprisoned, I want to leave. I want me and Jack to leave together, but I know he can't leave because this is who he is. _Would he leave for me?_ _Maybe I will ask him later…_

By this time I was back in the archives, trying to do work but failing. I've decided to ask him that all important question tonight, although I think my wish has come too soon when I hear my name being called.

"IANTO!"

Its Jack… looks like it's now or never.


	6. Chapter 6

**The only time he speaks his feelings**

**Part 6**

"IANTO!" Jack shouted as he searched the archives, struggling to find his lover.

"In here!" Ianto replied close by. Jack sighed with relief having eventually found him filing away. Ianto turned to see him, smiling softly, though that didn't stop Jacks reason for coming down here.

"What can I do for you sir?" Ianto asked as he opened one of the filing cabinets, easily finding the folder he was searching for.

"It's nothing about work… can you sit down for a minute?" Jack said, the fact that Ianto had resulted in calling him sir, increasing his worry for him.

"Um... Sure, everything ok?" Ianto asked, pretending to sound surprised by Jack's actions.

"Yeah everything's fine with me but... Are you ok?" he said clearing his throat before sitting now on the seat Ianto past him.

Since they were now sitting across from each other, Jack could easily decipher how Ianto was feeling from his expressions, as Ianto had conveniently hid his face when he spoke to Jack before.

"What makes you think something's wrong?" Ianto asked a few moments later.

"You've been acting strange all morning, have I said something?" Jack replied sadly.

Ianto looked away for a few moments, thinking about his earlier thoughts. Now was the time to ask but he was scared about the answer. What if Jack didn't want to leave?

"Oh right… well I'm just tired sir... I mean Jack" Ianto babbled, failing to hide how he actually felt.

Jack looked at him suspiciously for a few minutes, wishing that Ianto would open up to him… he hated the fact that this reminded him of when Ianto first came here.

"Right I see… if you're sure, I mean if you're tired then you can have the rest of the day off. The hub has been pretty busy lately so you deserve some rest. Me and the others we'll watch over the rift, and call you if the worlds ending" he responded professionally. Ianto nodded and smirked, Jack was always able to make him smile.

Jack got up to leave him alone relieved to know that at least Ianto would go home for some rest, and maybe later he would get him to talk.

"Oh Jack!" Ianto shouted just before Jack went out down the corridor. Jack stopped turning back quickly.

"Yes?" he asked. "You ok?"

"Yeah I forgot to ask you something"

"Oh right, go on?"

"…If someone asked you to leave Torchwood would you?" he said after some hesitation.

Jack pondered this question for a second, wondering why on earth that had come up.

"No, this is my home, I'm happy here, I wouldn't want to leave I have too many things I would miss" he said winking at Ianto.

"Ianto nodded moving back into the room and leaving Jack. He slowly sat down and repeated Jacks answer in his head… Jack would never leave, even for him.

Jack looked on ahead where Ianto was standing a moment before, shaking his head confused. Not realising that was actually a relevant question to Ianto's actions this morning.

**AN: only like 2 chapters left I think **** thank u for all the reviews again, next chapter up soon. **


	7. Chapter 7

**The only time he speaks his feelings **

**Part 7 **

Ianto had taken Jack up on his offer, soon leaving the hub to the rest of the team to get some much needed rest. Although that's what Jack assumed he was doing.

Fortunately the hub was nice and quiet for the rest of the morning and afternoon, so Jack sent everyone home. Since it was a few hours before he was usually supposed to leave, he decided to let Ianto have a few more hours to himself before he went home.

He walked around aimlessly rethinking about this whole day and how strange Ianto had been, before when Ianto had asked him if he would leave he thought it was out of the blue but thought nothing of it. Since then something was niggling him at the back of his mind, telling him something although he couldn't quite place what it was.

Eventually he came upon a small peaceful pub, so decided he could do with a drink, but promised himself he wouldn't go over board and get drunk because that could definitely make things worse if they were bad between him and Ianto at the moment.

As he stepped through the doors he sighed happily, there were only a few punters sitting at the bar, and a couple of people sitting in booths. So it was unlikely that anyone would disturb him.

He continued to walk to the bar, sitting down on one of the seats, as he searched for the barmaid, or barman. Luckily a few moments later they came back from the staff area and smiled at him, silently asking him what he would like.

"I'll have a glass of scotch thank you" Jack asked politely, knowing if he showed anything in his expression he would be bothered by her.

For a while he just sat and thoughts things over, going through the night before and wondering if he actually had said something to his lover that might of upset him unintentionally, but he came to no success.

Sometime later he sighed frustrated when he heard the pub getting quite noisy by the entrance, someone was causing a stir. He really wanted to go and shut them up but he knew violence wasn't the answer, especially in this type of mood.

He noticed that something must have happened when it became quieter, although he suddenly heard footsteps coming towards the bar, and prayed that they didn't come over to him for a chat. Even though he'd been lucky before, he wasn't so lucky now since the person did just that.

"Hey stranger…" the man replied.

Jack just sat that for a moment hearing the words register in his mind repeatedly. It can't be… him… can it?

"Are you going to talk to me or not? Or have you and eye candy had a fight?" the man said minutes later.

Jack rolled his eyes just like Ianto would, great it is him. Jack turned around to look at John Hart staring back at him mischievously.

"Go Away John, I am not in the mood for you right now. What you doing here anyway?" he said rather annoyed.

"Oh sorry, you don't have to be mean… that hurt…" he replied, earning a raised eyebrow from Jack.

"Ahem… I just came to see my good friend, can't I do that? And anyway you seem like you need someone to talk to so… come on" he said becoming serious and patting Jack on the back.

If Jack was shocked right now, that would be an understatement since John never helped anyone, especially Jack when it came to lovers. He swallowed some scotch hating the way it travelled down his throat before looking at John again. He seemed like he actually meant it.

"I can't believe I'm actually going to speak to you about this, but your right I do need someone to talk to, I'm must be desperate if I've chosen you, no offence."

"Ha none taken" he laughed agreeing with him completely.

Jack chuckled softly forgetting about everything for a moment, even though John was a completely arse a lot of the time, he was always a good person to talk to.

"So go on" John said bringing them both back on track.

"Right well… Ianto been acting strange this morning and I don't know why, I keep thinking I've said something to him but nothing adds up" Jack said sad and confused.

There was silence for a moment as if John was actually contemplating was it could be, just like a counsellor of some sort, but this is John were talking about right?

"Are you sure there wasn't anything you said last night to him? Maybe you were talking in your sleep… wouldn't be the first time". Jack looked over at John sternly causing him to laugh. "Sorry"

Jack suddenly realised what John was saying and remembered what he had said the night before when he thought Ianto was asleep.

"Oh God…he didn't hear it did he?" Jack said to himself, swearing and covering his face.

"Didn't hear what?"

"Oh God, Oh God… he wasn't supposed to! I was in the moment I didn't mean some of the things I said, he may think that this is as far as it goes…"

"What the hell did you say? God… this is why I hate communication…" John said rather lost and angry.

Finally Jack came back to the present and looked at John sadly. "I… said that I loved him while he was asleep, but that I was going to lose him, so I didn't think I could ever tell him this…"

"Oh you idiot…" John replied almost instantly causing Jack to feel even worse. "I mean… maybe everything's fine! Have you spoken to him since?"

Jack thought about this morning and the question that Ianto asked, and it all suddenly made sense. "He asked me if I would ever leave torchwood for anyone and I said no because I love torchwood and the people… Oh god... I didn't know he meant that, I said that because I thought he assumed I was going to leave him for someone else…"

"Actually you are a complete idiot! He probably does think nothing more is going to happen now! You just basically said you didn't want to have a family or whatever with him!"

"Alright…alright! I get it! I'm a stupid man!" Jack replied slamming his head on the table.

"Ok don't go overboard, just go tell him what you really want! Now or else! Because he could have left you by now!" he laughed meaning it as a joke.

Jack suddenly looked at John terrified. "He wouldn't would he?" John shrugged realizing that actually could be the case, making Jack run out of his seat towards the doors of the pub.

John shook his head from side to side, and shouted after him "Wait do you think Owen's free tonight?" but got no reply. "Fine then I'll just talk to myself…" he muttered before looking up at the barmaid who was giving a punter a drink.

"Hey!" he said to her, making her look towards him. "What's your name?" he winked.

**AN: hope you liked it there's one more chapter to come. I wanted to update today as its Christmas day tomorrow so I may be busy all day. Read and review if you can thank you xx **


	8. Chapter 8

**The only way he speaks his feelings**

**Part 8 **

As soon as he left the pub, Jack thought about all the places Ianto could have gone, and what he would do if he didn't find him. Ianto was his everything… he knew that his feelings towards Ianto, hadn't even crossed his lovers mind before the other night. Ianto still always had a tiny bit of doubt thinking that it wasn't serious. But Jack didn't care about how hard it was to tell him anymore… he knew it would be worse if he was to lose him because he wasn't honest.

The one thing Jack hated the most right now was the fact that he chose to mull around in the furthest place possible from their home. What if Ianto was just leaving the house now and he didn't even get a chance to explain?

Jack shook his head fiercely, wiping the tears that were begging to fall. He couldn't give up that easily, he needed to stay positive. It couldn't come to that… because he didn't think he could carry on with him gone.

He checked his watch as he turned the corner in full speed, running out of town towards a row of houses; he'd left the pub about fifteen minutes ago. He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw his house a few streets away, Ignoring the start of a stitch in his stomach.

Eventually he stopped outside his and Ianto's house bending over to catch his breath for a moment or two, grimacing at the fact that this was wasting time, he continued up the steps towards the door bringing out his key and putting it in the lock. As he moved inside he tried to forget the voice in his head that was saying it was too quiet for anyone to be around.

"Ianto! IANTO!" he shouted every few minutes swallowing painfully when no reply came back. He searched the premises repeatedly, even though he already knew they were empty. He collapsed on the sofa for a moment dropping his head on his hands defeated.

"Please Ianto I can't lose you…" he sobbed to himself.

For what felt like ages he just sat, growling whenever tears fell against his cheeks. It wasn't over, it can't be over… I love him!

Maybe he hadn't left permanently Jack suddenly thought, hope rising within him as he got up from the couch to move back to the bedroom. Unfortunately this small amount of hope was shattered when he saw all his lover's clothes gone.

He fell onto the bed again trying to think of anywhere else he could try, Maybe Tosh? I mean he hasn't given in a resignation form to me about torchwood. As he picked his phone out of his pocket to ring his friend's number he finally realised there was a note sat on their bedside tables. Cancelling the call after the first ring he slowly picked it up and opened it.

Sobbed silently when he saw Ianto's lovely writing

"_Dear Jack…_

_I don't know what I'm doing, or if this is the right decision… but I'm sorry, I need to get away from here, from torchwood… and us. I heard you last night, it was the first time I felt shocked in ages, before then I kept thinking you would eventually stop whatever we were because you'd gotten what you wanted. But when I heard you saying those three magical words to me… I couldn't believe it, I wanted to say something to you at that moment but then you said you never wanted me to know… so I couldn't go against your wishes. That's what hurt the most you know? Because I… love you too and I've wanted to say that to you for months but I guess now I never will. A part of me is scared that you won't carry on but I want you to because I don't blame you, I understand. I should have known we would never have a proper relationship with a proper family. I guess I was just hoping that someday… things would change. _

_Please Jack stay strong and carry on for me? Because I've decided not to take retcon, I don't want to lose these memories. I can promise you that I'll never feel the same for anyone else as much as I feel for you… my hero. _

Love Ianto.

X

Jack reread the note over and over, noticing the small tear stains on the paper. He hated to think about Ianto upset, especially if it was because of him… NO! He couldn't just let him go; he was going to find him whatever it took. He got up from the bed moving back into the living room ready to redial tosh's number.

For some reason Jack stopped the moment before his finger pressed the call button. His expression changing to a puzzled look, moving towards the main part of the living room, the sound of a phone being rung could be heard barely. He continued to move around rather hastily trying to find where this noise was coming from. As he put his arm under the sofa he let out a cheer when his hand touched an item.

Bringing it out, he instantly recognised it as Ianto's phone. He must have left it behind! Jack smiled gratefully.

The phone had stopped ringing before Jack could answer, but he knew Ianto was always organised meaning he would definitely have credit. He checked the history to see when was the last time he'd used it, and smiled when it said half an hour ago. Reading the texts message left behind he found out that Ianto was going to his sister's house before leaving this place. Jack hadn't really heard much about her before this, but he was definitely going to now.

As he ran out of the house he raced to the hub glad that Ianto had brought a house so close. He jumped into the SUV as he reached the bay, immediately pressing buttons on the alien technology to find Ianto's sisters address. He drummed impatiently when the response was a 5 minutes wait.

He decided to use this time wisely going over what he would say when he finally got to see Ianto again, not giving into the urge to cry when he felt tears prick at the corners. He hoped Ianto would give him time; he needed to know that Ianto knew he didn't want this anymore; he would gladly give up torchwood and everything for him. The sound of a bleep interrupted his thoughts and he looked ahead at the flashing address, putting his keys in the ignition straight after.

It didn't take him long to get to the destination because his driving was usually seriously dangerous anyway, so this situation just made him even worse. Nothing else was on his mind but his lover, so his parking wasn't that good either. He raced out of the car and towards the door not letting the fact that Ianto's car didn't seem to be in sight, affect him.

He pressed on the doorbell repeatedly looking through the window to see any movement.

"Thank god!" Jack whispered when he saw a young women walking to the door. She opened it rather angrily.

"Ianto's told me all about you! Can you please go!" she shouted as she looked at Jack.

"Rhiannon please don't!" Ianto replied from behind her, catching Jack's full attention. He felt tears rise up again when he looked at his gorgeous lover before him.

"Ianto…" he broke off. For the first time since this morning, Ianto looked up at Jack seeing something he'd never seen before, Desperation. He looked on ahead quite shocked at first, he knew Jack would come looking for him but he didn't think it would change anything. But it seems like he was wrong.

He sister watched Jack though not as sternly as before as if she was ok with him saying whatever he wanted to say.

"I…can we talk? Please" he asked hesitantly.

Ianto slowly nodded touching his sisters shoulder gently, silently telling her it was ok. She unblocked the doorway and moved aside.

**AN: well it seems its gone differently, but that can only be a good thing hopefully x I've decided to do 2 more chapters after this, so that there's more chapters for you all x this is quite long because I've taken so long to update and I thought you all deserved it x hope you like this chapter x read and review if you can. **


	9. Chapter 9

**The only time he speaks his feelings**

**Part 9**

Jack was very grateful that Ianto gave him some time to talk; he could see that Ianto's sister was quite feisty and hoped she could forgive him as well. He loved Ianto so anyone that was connected to him was easily loved as much.

As he stepped into the house rather hesitantly he noticed two young children sat in the living room and attempted a smile when they turned his way. He didn't blame them when they looked at him quite suspiciously a few moments later. He could see Ianto was very close to his family, even though he never heard Ianto mention them, or ask for a day off before to go see them.

Jack watched quietly as Rhiannon told her children to go upstairs for a bit, Deciding that he would only speak when given the chance, not wanting to make things worse.

The room suddenly became quiet, and Jack realised that Ianto and Rhiannon were gesturing to a seat; he instantly sat down in one of the arm chairs.

"So Ianto is it five or ten minutes?" Rhiannon asked calmly, although you could obviously sense that she wanted to kick Jack out painfully.

"It's alright sis, I expected this so I might as well give him the time he needs" he replied before sitting down opposite the older man.

His sister looked at him surprised wondering what on earth was wrong with him. Not getting anything back from him she groaned and left the room shouting "Men!" soon after.

Ianto laughed softly causing Jack to smile, the room creating a much nicer atmosphere. They both looked at each other for a few moments before Ianto coughed and looked down, reminding Jack about everything that had happened that day. He sighed and closed his eyes for a few moments trying to think of how he would start.

Ianto watched his lover struggling to speak so started himself.

"It's just me and you now, and I'm sure you came here for a reason." He said

Jack opened his eyes slowly, before nodding at Ianto. "I did yes…" he began watching Ianto's reaction. "I just don't want to ruin my last chance" he continued stopping for a minute.

Ianto's sister came back into the room carrying three cups of coffee, stopping Jack from carrying on to Ianto's dismay. She noticed the disappointed look on Ianto's face and immediately thought Jack had said something wrong.

"What did you say to him?" she shouted making Jack jump. She slammed the coffees down on the table causing Ianto to wince slightly.

"Sis!" Ianto shouted irritated. She turned around to look at him shocked. "He didn't say anything wrong, could you leave us for a bit please?" he said, changing his tone to a much lighter one as he finished. She nodded, grabbing her drink before leaving the room without a word.

"Sorry about that…" Ianto apologised

"No don't, you shouldn't be sorry, this is my entire fault... I..." Jack began to say cutting Ianto off, but stopped short when he found he couldn't continue.

He growled and put his head in his hands, messing up his hair before looking at Ianto with a pleading expression. He swallowed thickly and opened his mouth.

"I… shouldn't have said what I did that night, well some of it I meant strongly, but i still shouldn't have said it when I assumed you were asleep. I guess I found it helped. But that's me being selfish again" Ianto looked at him sadly, opening his mouth to speak when Jack put a hand up to stop him.

"Don't, let me finish please. I've wanted to tell you all the things I say so easily when your asleep, all the time you're with me, because you deserve the truth, and I see the way you are sometimes, I know you think this is nothing and it kills me to see you sad, looking at Gwen whenever she comes close to me, assuming I'm going to suddenly choose her! Well you're wrong I would never do that! Why would I…when I'm totally in love with you!" Jack spluttered looking everywhere but his lover's face.

Ianto listened to Jack and watched his movements, he could see the truth in Jack's eyes and when he finally said those words to him he had this overwhelming feeling burst within him. He couldn't believe it. Yes Jack had said it that night, but he was actually telling him to his face now. Ianto felt tears at the corner of his eyes, but didn't want to show Jack that he had won him over so easily, there was still a lot that wasn't clear.

**AN: didn't know whether I should stop it here, but I wanted to give you a big last chapter so this had to be quite short. Sorry for the delay but I hope you like it, and I will try to update the last one as soon as possible even though school starts tomorrow. Hopefully you won't have to wait long still. Read and review if you can x **


	10. Chapter 10 M rated

**The only time he speaks his feelings **

**AN: hey everyone, really sorry for it being so late, you must hate me… so I hope this makes up for it, this chapter is M rated by the way, hope you like it xx review if you can. Thank you for reading. **

**Part 10 **

Before their meeting in the archives when Ianto had asked Jack whether he would ever leave torchwood if he was asked, Jack hadn't seen that bland mask for a long time. He hated seeing Ianto with that expression, hiding so much behind those beautiful eyes of his...

But yet again Ianto had that mask on, yet this time it made him feel sick. He felt confused; didn't Ianto believe him when he said he loved him just moments ago? He'd never found the guts to say it before now, finding it too difficult because everyone he loved eventually left him. However finally he grew the courage to speak out but the response wasn't what he'd hoped. Was it too late? Was it not good enough? Maybe the fact that he'd waited this long to announce it had made Ianto feel rejected that much, he eventually made himself believe that this couldn't be anything more than sex.

That couldn't be true though, he'd said those words last night and Ianto believed him, he said he was overwhelmed. He guessed that the question in the archives was much more important then he'd realised and it took stupid John hart to make him notice. He felt angry with himself why had he been so stupid!

As he thought about this he had this massive feeling of hatred towards oneself. He actually thought he didn't deserve this chance to explain anymore. He thought that Ianto should move on and be with someone that actually made him feel good, and loved him with all his heart.

As these thoughts were running through Jacks mind, Ianto sat before him seeing the different emotions run across his lovers face. He noticed that he was upset and wondered if he assumed that what he'd said made no difference. When he suddenly saw his expression change to anger he knew it was focused on Jack himself.

"JACK" he shouted bringing him out of his reverie. "Stop it" he continued. Jack looked on quite shocked he hadn't expected that. He was preparing himself for Ianto's anger saying that he hadn't changed his mind about leaving.

"Stop it?" Jack repeated back at him.

"Yes! I know what you're thinking, and it's not true… to be honest with you…" Ianto sighed. "I'm overwhelmed to hear you say you love me to my face! But I wanted you to finish first, I still need to know things" he finished. Jack looked on as he listened to Ianto. The feelings of warmth and relief ran through him when Ianto told him different to what he first assumed.

He believes me? He knows I love him… Jack said to himself feeling happier by the minute. It took him a few minutes to break the silence again, the fact that Ianto might have been rethinking his decision to leave making him drift off and smiling to himself, although he still thought that Ianto shouldn't be staying for him.

"So what else do you want to know? Because whatever it takes I'll do it" Jack asked pushing all his negative thoughts out of his mind, before looking back at Ianto.

"I...when I heard you last night, I realised there was nothing more for us than this, that we'd never take our relationship to the next step, that's why I asked you in the archives if you'd ever leave all this for anyone… I guess I just wanted to make sure, one more go because my dreams have always been to marry and finally have a family with someone, I was hoping that would be you but I discovered I was wrong to think this when you said no" Ianto explained not hiding the pain he felt any longer. "Did u really mean that?" he questioned quietly.

Jack watched him feeling terrible, he knew this would come up, and hearing it repeatedly only made him feel worse, he was stupid to have not thought about what Ianto was actually implying here, and if he'd actually seen the meaning behind it, then he would have definitely said yes. He did want to leave everything! Of course, a thousand times over if it meant carrying on his future with this special man.

"Ianto… when you asked me that in the archives I wasn't actually thinking about what you meant… I thought you were saying if someone else asked me to choose between them or you, who would, I choose. I said no because I would never leave you again for anyone else… but I now know you meant you! Leave all this to have a lovely life with you... I'm so sorry for hurting you…"

"Jack stop it! Do you really mean that? You'd choose me?" Ianto asked dumbstruck.

This was the first thing to bring Jacks spirit back up, since he'd arrived here. Of course he meant it!

"Yes I do, I'll always choose you, even if the doctor came back… because that's not who I am anymore, I want to be your partner, lover… I came here to tell you that I'll leave torchwood and everything else for you!" Jack cried finally pouring out all his emotions to this man, so he could see what Jack thought about every day he spent with him. "If you'll have me…" Jack suddenly continued looking down, not wanting to jinx anything if he was to instantly assume that Ianto would take him back.

When Ianto had arrived at his sister's he'd said to himself that he wouldn't give in to Jack so easily this time. Jack always had a way with words, he always knew what to say, but this time Ianto promised that he wouldn't be so easy… he couldn't do this anymore. That's why at first when he heard those three words said to his face he'd stopped himself from running into Jacks arms. This time that wouldn't work, he needed to know that Jack wouldn't leave him again and that he'd sacrifice things for him. So that he was put first for once…

But now he'd heard everything he could have wished for, although he never expected It. Jack had just told him that he chose him! Out of everyone, and he was going to leave torchwood if he wanted him to. Since hearing this, the thought of leaving made him feel sick. How could he leave this gorgeous loving man that was sat before him? There was nothing out there that could come close to Jack.

He eventually came out his thoughts to see Jack sitting quietly looking lost. He knew he needed to tell him what he was feeling because Jack looked as if he'd given up, and he hated seeing Jack like this… he wanted to see his beautiful smile, and he wanted to lie in those comfortable strong arms of his.

"Jack!" Ianto said a few moments later making Jack look up slowly. Ianto could just about see Jack's eyes becoming blurry showing he was close to tears.

"..Yes?" he replied shakily

Ianto stood up and moved towards the chair Jack was slouched in, Jack looked up at him surprised, a tear rolling down his face. 

"Get up" Ianto ordered softly. Jack didn't know what to think, was this a farewell? Did he at least get a goodbye hug? He guessed this was good but he wasn't sure he would be able to let go.

Jack eventually got up to stand in front of Ianto, taking a deep breath to stop himself from crying again. He didn't know what to expect so closed his eyes letting the familiar smell of his lover wash over him for the last time. However the next thing he recalled was the touch of a finger swiping across his face removing the signs of recent tears. Jack choked back a sob when he felt that lovely hand so close all he wanted to do was kiss it. He opened his eyes to see Ianto looking back at him with worry, to say he was confused would be an understatement he didn't understand what was going on, but he was unable to continue his thoughts when Ianto suddenly grabbed his neck and pulled his head forwards crushing their lips together. Jack instantly moaned as he felt those tasty lips on his, he'd missed that all so familiar taste, even though it was only last night when he'd claimed him as his and tasted every part of him.

He wanted to cry or laugh at first because this was everything he prayed for, but eventually after getting over the initial shock he just put his arms around Ianto's neck and waist pulling him even closer so as to touch every other inch of him.

Even though he never would have imagined this happening, part of his mind was filled with doubt about this being more than a goodbye kiss. He still didn't think he deserved him especially another chance when he'd hurt him so badly before.

Ianto could feel how tense Jack's body was and realised some part of him still assumed he was leaving.

"Jack!" Ianto gasped as he broke the kiss abruptly.

"Yes?" Jack whispered, praying that this wasn't the last time he would feel his lover close to him.

"I Love you too, and I'm not going anywhere". He replied smiling reassuringly.

Jack was shocked to say the least, wanting to smile, laugh, or cry! Even, since this was what he'd hoped to hear since he arrived.

"What?" he said startled. Ianto laughed and repeated what he said moments ago, just wanting Jack's smile to reappear.

"What? I mean are you sure?" he asked the start of a smile surfacing at the corners of his lips. Ianto nodded and let out a massive laugh when Jacks reaction was to pick him up and spin him round kissing his cheeks and neck sweetly.

**Jack x Ianto **

Since his sister had left the room twenty minutes previous, the urge to hear what was said between them was all too much that she had instantly stayed close to the closed door, hearing everything clearly, also her children had sat at the top of the stairs watching her every expression not quite understanding why at one point she blushed at hearing something from within the room.

As soon as that wonderful laughed echoed the walls she couldn't keep from entering any longer and burst into the room smiling brightly when she saw them both hugging and kissing. She could see so obviously that they were clearly smitten with each other, that she pushed all her anger towards this older man out of her head.

Eventually Ianto and Jack reluctantly stopped their touches towards one another so they could turn to see who had entered. Ianto smiled sheepishly, the beginning of a blush creeping up his neck. He let go of Jack so he could finally introduce them to one another.

"Sis this is Jack… my lover" he smiled. "And this is my sister Rhiannon; hopefully you can both start again". He finished causing them to nod enthusiastically, Jack grabbed Rhiannon's hand and kissed it politely making her giggle.

Ianto rolled his eyes, before Rhiannon suddenly turned serious not letting him off completely since he had hurt her brother.

"Well Jack, I'm glad to see you are back with my brother now, but if you ever hurt him again I will kill you" she said making Jack drop his smile and look down.

"I won't hurt him again I assure you" he replied looking up again.

"Good!" she said smiling again and bringing him close for a hug. Jack looked at Ianto shocked triggering Ianto to grin and shrug.

Jack was very happy to meet Ianto's family, and was much calmer when Ianto's niece and nephew now greeted him with smiles as well, but all he wanted was to take Ianto home and show how much he loved him. Fortunately for Jack, Ianto sensed this and also wanted the same thing, quickly thinking of a way for them to leave that wouldn't seem rather rude.

"Sis, I'm really sorry but Jack and I are going to have to hurry along, I completely forgot that Jack has to get back to work since he has an appointment with someone of an importance". He said acting disappointed.

Since he'd started saying this Jack looked on confused, having not realised that he was obviously making this up. Ianto looked at him when he said appointment and it suddenly came to him. He looked at Rhiannon trying to keep a straight face and was relieved when she nodded and got up to walk them to door. They quickly said their goodbyes before rushing to the car and driving off. Once again Jack's speed was very dangerous it was surprising that he hadn't once caused any damage today because of it, Fate must really be on his side today…

As soon as they arrived at their flat they couldn't stop the need to touch each other as soon as they entered, grabbing everything that belonged to their lover, and ripping every piece of clothing not in the least bit bothered that they were beyond ruined. They moved towards the bedroom, leaving a trail behind them until they reach the bed, now completely naked.

They took a moment to look at each other smiling shyly, giggling soon after at how nervous they seemed even though they'd been together for such a long time. Carrying on from where they stopped, Jack pushed Ianto onto the bed climbing on to sit between his lovers legs. He then lay down on top of him so that he could kiss his lips lovingly, their kiss becoming more passionate soon after. At the same time he moved one hand down to caress his nipples, pinching them softly, smiling when it caused Ianto to lift his body off the bed. He then used his other hand to touch his waist gently, stroking it slowly up and down.

Ianto was now in a complete mess the slight touch having a massive effect on him, making him gasp and moan loudly stopping their kiss. Jack moved his head down so he could kiss his neck and shoulders, using this chance to plant lots of love bites over him.

"Jack! Please!" Ianto begged his eyes tightly shut. Jack didn't need telling twice, opening the draw that was beside their bed to grab the lube they kept hidden. He then stopped his ministrations with his other hand, and pour a small amount of lube onto his fingers before dropping it on the bed nearby, Slowly moving to sit up between Ianto's legs once again. He stroked his lover's cock slowly grinning when Ianto moaned with relief at having his intimate part touched.

"Oh god yes… please" Ianto whispered.

Jack stroked him at a faster pace and moved his fingers to Ianto arse, swiping one finger over his hole, laughing when Ianto's breath hitched. He continued to do this a few more times but stopped when Ianto growled quite frustrated.

"Stop teasing Jack... Make love to me" Ianto managed to say.

This made Jack move his fingers back to his lover's arse, although this time he instantly thrust a finger within his hole making Ianto gasp with pleasure, Moving it back and forth for a few moments before he joined a second, and then a third. Since arriving back at their home, Jack had desperately wanted to be inside Ianto but had ignored his need, wanting this to be about Ianto, showing him how much he loved him with every touch. However on seeing Ianto open and ready for him he couldn't wait any longer and when he heard Ianto moan his name weakly he rushed to grab the lube after he stopped touching Ianto's cock. And pour a tiny bit more onto his fingers so he could cover his cock with it.

Seconds later he was moving his cock to line up with his lover's hole, only the tip touching it for the moment, the need to be inside having grown a full force but he still needed to know Ianto was ready, in case he hurt him.

"Jack! Now!" told him what he needed to know, and he pushed in going down so he could bring his lips to Ianto's as he entered him. Within moments he was fully inside of him, his balls against his lovers butt cheeks. As they kissed frantically they moaned within each other's mouths the pleasure was making them see stars they were finally where they belonged.

Eventually Jack started to move although he knew he couldn't last long, although unbeknownst to him Ianto was very close as well. The speed soon became fast and they were moaning each other's name constantly.

Jack knew Ianto was close, and whispered he loved him in his ear, this making Ianto suddenly come below him, shouting Jack's name, Jack following moments later when Ianto finally got the ability to speak back and whispered the same thing. For a good few moments they just enjoyed being in each other's arm, breathing heavily getting their breaths back. Jack hadn't left Ianto's body yet and didn't really want to either… but he knew he had to get off Ianto soon so he didn't hurt him. He reluctantly moved a few minutes later and lay beside his lover, he grabbed Ianto and pulled him to lie against his body, his lover's head now on top of his chest.

"Ianto?" he said breaking the silence.

"Yes?" Ianto replied.

"Thank you for staying with me… I love you, and I'll never leave I promise" he whispered lovingly.

"I know, and I love you too" Ianto replied moments later lifting his head to smile at Jack.


End file.
